When Rabid Fans Attack
by mycatsasha
Summary: Legolas was sitting on a hill near Fangorn, gazing innocently at the sky... when they attacked...
1. The Fans

When Rabid Fans Attack  
  
By mycatsasha  
  
Legolas sat on a hill gazing at the starry night sky. He was journeying back home after visiting Aragorn. He was at the edge of Fangorn. The quest was over. The ring was destroyed. He lay down to rest. As he lay there, he suspected nothing. Before long, he was sleeping peacefully. when they attacked!  
  
They were not orcs. They were not goblins. They were not Balrogs. Oh, no. They were far worse than even the mighty powers of the Eye could imagine, let alone conjure! They were. The Fans!  
  
"Oooooooh! There he is!" one of them said as the charged over the hill. The poor elf woke immediately to find him self surrounded by a massive army. There were literally millions of girls! All of who were wearing incredibly small leg wear, which couldn't even qualify as shorts. It seemed like the only thing they didn't want to show off was their faces which were heavily coated with make-up. Legolas knew he didn't have much time before he would meet his doom. The fans started advancing at a run. Legolas jumped into a tree and started leaping across Fangorn. Many OH's and AH's followed him as he did, but the first thing he noticed was that he had left his gear behind.  
  
"Oh! I got his backpack!"  
  
"I got a leaf he was lying on!"  
  
"Hey! I wanted that!" RIIIIIIIIP!  
  
As the fans fought (literally) over his things, Legolas pressed on toward the Shire. Maybe he could get some help there. Two days later with no food or rest, Legolas stumbled onto the doorstep of Bag End. Dead tired after so many close calls with the fans, he knocked on the door. or rather he fell on it. Sam answered.  
  
"Mr. Legolas?" he said, "Meanin' no disrespect, but are you alright?"  
  
"HIDE ME!" he gasped, dragging himself inside. Sam helped him into the house. He hid him in the cellar where there were no windows. He then went outside to see what he could do about the approaching fans. They sped up the hill to Bag End, stopping in front of Sam.  
  
"Hello." Sam began. But one of the rabid fans spoke up. We'll call her Tiffany.  
  
"That outfit is sooooo last age," she said.  
  
"And he's so short!" said another girl. She can be Nicole. "Tall guys are such hotties!"  
  
"Like Legolas," Tiffany added. At this all of the girls sighed in unison, several of them fainting. "What is your name?" Tiffany continued,  
  
"I am Samwise Gamgee of the Shire," Sam answered.  
  
"Sam? Who's Sam? Nobody's heard of you!" Nicole answered, "you probably never heard of Legolas, judging by your fashion sense."  
  
"Actually, I was part of the fellowship. I helped Frodo destroy the Ring."  
  
"Ring?" Tiffany answered, "What Ring?" "And who's Frodo?"  
  
Nicole seemed to have a good answer; "He must be one of those smaller, less significant characters mentioned once or twice in the books."  
  
"There are books?"  
  
"Yeah," Nicole answered, "But we don't have time to read them. MUST--FIND- LEGOLAS!" All of the girls agreed to this, but Tiffany, who must have been the leader, spoke up.  
  
"Fellow Fans, I understand that we must continue to pursue our love, but first we must deal with one who has broken The Law of the Legolas! Samwise Gamgee!"  
  
"What?!" Sam replied, "Meanin' no disrespect, but what have I done?"  
  
"Not only do you have terrible fashion sense, but you also have an annoying dialect! Such an offense bears the ultimate punishment: You must be sacrificed to our god!"  
  
Drums were beaten as a large, golden statue of Legolas was brought forth. Sam was seized and tied to a large stick and placed on an altar.  
  
Luckily, Frodo arrived just in time! Sneaking through the crowd of excited fans, he got behind one of them and said in the most girly voice he could must, "Legolas is my sweetheart!"  
  
Immediately, all of the attention turned to the unfortunate girl he happened to be standing behind.  
  
"No he's not! He's mine!"  
  
"Uh-uh! Legolas is my dream love!"  
  
Frodo got Sam out of there just before a fist fight broke out. Many girls started to cry, smearing their mascara. It would take them ages to get that sorted out! Legolas escaped out the back door. He headed for the Harbor, hoping to make the ship before the fans caught up with him. He didn't know how, but he had to lose them! One thing was for sure: it wouldn't be easy! 


	2. The Fans Continued

Legolas was tired. He was already half way to the harbor. Having gone too hastily and too recklessly to the Shire, it had taken him a little longer than he had hoped. He had been traveling for a little more than a week, day and night. But the fans were catching up. He could already hear their girly squeals. They were gaining on him, only twelve miles behind! How do they know I'm going to the Harbor, he thought. Climbing a tree, he decided that he had to rest. There was no way around it. He couldn't possibly travel at a decent speed without rest for so long. He decided to wake up an hour before dawn and then set out again after a short breakfast.  
  
---------------Back at Bag End---------------  
  
Legolas had just ran out the back door. Frodo and Sam were sitting on the couch eating popcorn and watching the girls out the window. The fistfight had been going on for only a few minutes and they had decided to watch at a safe distance. The doors had been securely locked.   
  
"Man, Legolas doesn't know what he's missing," Frodo commented.  
  
"Yeah, Mr. Frodo," Sam answered, watching several girls attack three others wielding fuzzy, pink, and quite heavy purses. "It's not often we get such entertainment here at Bag End."  
  
The Battle at Bag End had proved to be a brutal one. Much mascara had been smeared and many skirts ripped. Several girls had black eyes. It took them two days to fix everyone's make-up! That was mainly due to the fact that all of it had mysteriously disappeared.   
  
"What are we going to do with all this make-up, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked, giving the cellar door another fruitless shove. Frodo just shrugged as he began sweeping the cases of lipstick, foundation, mascara, and eye shadow into the closet.  
  
---------------Legolas---------------  
  
Legolas awoke to find the sun in his eyes. It was a beautiful day for walking! However, much of it had already been wasted. He had slept too late! It was already noon! After having a hasty… um… lunch, Legolas started at a dead run. He ran for a good three days, leaving the girls a little further behind. Then he walked a little, rested, and ran the rest of the way to the Harbor. By then he had lost track of days.   
  
There were many ships at the harbor. Legolas chose a small one that would be hard to spot and that he could navigate on his own. It was a small, one-man ship. He went aboard with the few possessions he carried with him and made himself at home. He took only what he needed. Luckily, there was some extra food in the storage area on the ship. Most of it was Lembas.   
  
Legolas set sail that day. He was quite content for the next couple of days resting, eating, navigating the ship, and enjoying the time he had. There was absolutely nothing on his mind. He was happy to just get away from everything, but most of all, he was happy to get away from the fans!   
  
On the fourth lazy day, Legolas looked out over the bow to see with his Elf eyes a small speck in the direction where he was headed. Gazing out at the object slowly drawing nearer to him, he noticed as it grew larger on the horizon that it was a fairly large ship. It couldn't be the fans! But if it wasn't the fans, who was it? 


	3. Legolas Meets Will Turner

A few hours passed by and the large ship loomed nearer. Soon, Legolas's little ship stood in it's shadow. One of its crew's members boarded his ship.  
"Hello," he said, "My name is Will Turner. My, you look familiar! Have we met?"  
"No," Legolas responded, "but you do look incredibly familiar. I am Legolas Greenleaf."  
"What brings you to these parts of the sea?"  
"Well," Legolas began, but he stopped short at the look of terror in Will's eyes. He also noticed that Will's larger ship appeared to be retreating at a near-impossible speed. Will pointed and Legolas's eyes followed Will's trembling finger to a massive, magenta ship laden with the Fans.  
"They're after me!" Will screamed and ran to the helm.  
"No they're not! They're after me!"  
"Prove it!"  
"Look," Legolas pointed to the flag on the pink, girly ship, "I'm on their flag!"  
"No you aren't," Will argued, "I'm on the flag! The picture on the flag is clearly me!"  
"No it's not! It's me!"  
"No, it's obviously me!"  
Legolas was getting tired of arguing, so he tried to end the conversation with a neutral standpoint, "Well, let's hope it IS you. I certainly don't want to be it."  
"Maybe it is you," Will stated, getting hopeful.  
"No, I'm pretty sure it looks like you."  
"C'mon," Will sneered, "I'm not THAT ugly. I'm pretty sure it's you."  
And so it went on. They argued for hours about who was on the flag until they reached an island, quite by accident. The girly ship had lost track of them by then. Though he did look very familiar, Legolas was already sick of Will Turner. They couldn't seem to agree on anything. Legolas liked archery while Will preferred to work with swords. Legolas knew that the fans were after him, but Will seemed certain that they were after him. Nevertheless, the tried to work together. Legolas agreed to share his Lembas, but they needed to build a fire. Will got right to work.  
"No, no, no!" Legolas complained, "You're doing it wrong! You're supposed to make a teepee."  
"A teepee? Teepees are too quick. They're too easy. Any idiot knows that the log cabin method is the best way to build a fire."  
"No, you must use a teepee. That way, you don't use as much wood. The trees are angry with us already and we don't need to anger them any more than we have to."  
"The trees?" Will laughed, "The trees!"  
They continued to argue about which fire building method they should used until dusk. They settled the argument when Will pointed out that it was now too late to build a fire. Frustrated, Legolas sighed heavily and went to bed.  
"What's wrong with you?" asked Will.  
"You remind me of myself," he responded, "and it's creeping me out."  
"Yeah," Will agreed, "me too."  
The next morning, they woke to find that the little island they were on was completely deserted. Staring off into the distance, Legolas could see the Fans approaching in their boat. Quickly, he and Will ran to their own ship. They hadn't gone very far before the larger, faster ship caught up with them.  
"We have but two choices," Will said sorrowfully, "we can be taken onto the ship to be adored and fought over or we can drown in the sea." Behind him, he heard a splash. Evidently, Legolas had made his decision. Will made his. He jumped into the water with Legolas just before the Fans reached their ship. They met under the boat. They heard Tiffany board their ship.  
"They aren't here," she sighed.  
"Oh!" Nicole had found something, "I got his bow!"  
Legolas gave Will a look that said, 'See, I told you they were after me!' But then another girl squealed.  
"I got his sword!"  
The left Legolas and Will in a state of confusion and panic. They both had hoped against hope that the fans had been after the other and not them, but now it seemed that they were after both of them.  
More and more girls came onto the ship. There were hundreds of them and soon the boat began to sink. Legolas and Will came up for some air in time to see the fans go under. Some fans were throwing pink lifesavers into the water. Some were pointing, sighing, and fainting at the sight of Legolas and Will in the water. Suddenly, Legolas had an idea. He pretended to shoot arrows in their general direction. The fans went crazy, squealing and giving marriage proposals, but most of them simply passing out. Will caught on and started smiling and waving. He blew a kiss in one girl's general direction. The girl knew that the kiss was for her, but so did the other twelve who happened to be standing around her. This soon broke out into yet another fight. But Legolas and Will continued to smile, wave, and do stunts to make their fans pass out. and fight. When most of them had lost consciousness, Legolas and Will saw that now there weren't enough fans to man the ship. With one last elegant wave, they swam away. Before long they reached the Black Pearle.  
"This is where we part," Will said, "It was nice to meet you, sort of."  
"Fare well," Legolas answered and then said something in Quenya that Will couldn't understand. Legolas was given another boat in parting. It wasn't long before he reached the Grey Havens. 


End file.
